I am just not that girl. Never have been.
You might be wondering, who is that girl? I don’t even know that I understand who she fully is myself but for some reason I have always longed to be her.
I guess in my mind, she is the girl that things happen for. She walks in a room and everyone wants to know her. She smiles and the world crumbles at her feet. She is the girl that men bend over backwards to put true effort into wanting to date her. She is gorgeous on everyone’s scale. Men want to date her, women want to be here and everyone wants to hire her.
However…I am just not that girl.
In fact, most people are always surprised to know that I always felt like the ugly duckling growing up. Never quite good enough and always falling slightly short of goals and looks by general standards. Although I am more confident about who I am now that I am in my 30’s, I still struggle with the daily desire to be “THAT” girl. I have many blessings in my life and will never be ungrateful but I often wonder if it will ever be my turn? Do I ever get to feel like I’m enough for someone? Or more importantly, myself? Do the thoughts ever silence?
I sometimes drive my own self quietly crazy. Crazy with the inner need for perfection in my life. Crazy with the need to be desired by one or all. Crazy to have those moments of sublime happiness where the rest of the world can disappear.
…the reality is, that even if I was able to capture being that girl momentarily, I still don’t think that I would feel like enough.
This is why you can never judge anyone by a social blueprint or outside perspective. A shell is just a shell. We can filter ourselves to be anybody we want to be on the outside, but that doesn’t always reflect what inward struggles we feel. It is sometimes our only way of coping.
Longing to be “THAT” Girl